There is much value in family, community

SOCIAL STUDIES - Published Monday January 12th, 2009

Once more there are news reports about polygamy, the practice of having more than one wife, and how abusive it is.

Admittedly, it always seems one-sided, there are not many stories of women with more than one husband. I can hear the jokes already.

I am not a fan of religious cults. And I certainly am not a fan of anything that even comes close to becoming abusive. But I do often think that there might be something a little odd about our North American way of life.

Instead of maintaining family bonds, we seem to do everything in our power to isolate ourselves from others. We are perhaps the opposite of polygamists -- we are loners bound together for personal gain.

Thomas Hobbes, one of my favourite social philosophers, said that the reason we establish communities is so we can keep an eye out for someone stealing our sheep. Okay, he didn't say it so simply, or quite like that, but he assumes we form relationships for self protection. He could be right. But I suspect there is more to it than that.

I think we need relationships because it fulfills us and allows us to develop into the people we are meant to be, and when we limit those relationships, we lose out on something.

When I was young my grandmother lived in the house with us. At one point I lived in a townhouse with another couple. My brother and his wife lived with me for a few months. And in each of those cases I remember life being better.

Our culture is getting more and more out of hand in terms of the demand it makes on average people. One income will not support a family anymore. The welfare system is ridiculous, you can make too much money for social assistance while at the same time not having enough for fuel oil.

So most people I know live in homes where there are two people working at careers, and where there is so much pressure and stress in those careers that what they really need to do at home is pass out. There is no time for grocery shopping, for cleaning, for connecting.

I have often thought about how much smoother everything would run with a multi-family configuration. Just imagine what it would be like to double the adults in a household. Imagine three or four incomes to pay for one house, one cable bill, and one heating bill. Imagine having more people around to help with chores, or to interact with kids.

There is simply no way that any one person can be everything for someone else, and there would be a lot less pressure if we were not so single minded in our definitions of relationship.

Now, before I get a lot of anti-polygamy hate mail; the old fashioned solution to what I am talking about is the multi-generational household. Where there are three or four generations of people living under one roof, contributing financially, and through their wisdom, to making everything work.

In most supposedly less developed countries this is still the norm.

And in those countries, children learn from grandparents how to do things, like fish, cook, think. They also come to understand morals, values, and families much more clearly than we ever do.
Another benefit is that we do not isolate the different generations, and shunt them off as no longer useful. Each person has a role no matter where they find themselves on the journey of life.

Don't get me wrong, I realize this is a pipe dream, and whenever I bring it up to people they remind me how hard it is for two people to get along, let alone three, four or more. Just deciding what to watch on television could become something that needs outside mediation.

And then there is the whole dealing with parents and in-laws issue. Discipline of kids and household management styles would certainly differ from person to person. So I don't claim that it would be easy by any stretch of the imagination to do this.

Still. . .

It supposedly takes a village to raise a child; and we have lost sight of that somehow. Most of us go through life relatively alone, and wishing we had closer friends, more family around, a better idea of what to do when something happens.

Community is an ideal that is worth going after.

I suppose it does not really matter where you get a sense of community; sitting on a school board, bowling league, church, or by actually trying to have relationships with your extended family. But we all need it.

I guess I am saying that we need to be more creative in finding ways to "be". I think a lot of the ways that have developed in the last 40 years are off track and have forced us to take on roles that really are not helpful.

Whether we are talking about our home lives, our work lives, our family lives, or even beyond that, stereotypes and narrow thinking have never been a good idea.

Perhaps we will find a better way forward.