Remembering that sometimes life isn't about me

SOCIAL STUDIES - Published Monday December 15th, 2008

A lot can be said about New Year's resolutions. Most of us make them, in one form or another, and perhaps we are not being overly serious about them; but I think we all feel that there are things about us we would like to change.

What are some you have made over the years? Lose weight? Have you ever decided you are going to stop drinking, smoking, swearing, or losing your car keys? How successful are you at that?

I think the problem is that we make resolutions that are so specific, and so pass or fail, that we have doomed ourselves from the beginning.

This year I have decided to take a completely different tact. I am resolving to remember that it is not about me.

I think this is a potentially life changing affirmation that we could all make and therefore go into 2009 in a way that would ensure it was the best year ever. So let me explain.
There are countless things that happen to me in the run of a day that really make me feel badly. Imagine, if you will, a hypothetical day in my life.

I get up and things are so stressful, my daughters will not co-operate with anything because they are rebelling against me and don't respect me. My wife is in a rush to get to a meeting and I misinterpret her stress. Then the Tim Horton's employee is snarky with me, probably because I am not handsome enough to bother with. The RCMP officer who pulls me over for speeding doesn't even listen to me because I am obviously a moron. Over at the Superstore I can't get anyone to help me because I am not dressed well enough and on it goes.
I am sure you have all been there.

My reaction in each of those circumstances is to believe that somehow they say something about who I am, fundamentally, deep down. What if we approached the same events from a new perspective, using my new resolution that it is not really about me?

My kids hardly sleep at all these days and it seems they don't eat enough. They probably wake up grumpy because of that. My wife and I aren't even getting as much sleep as they are so perhaps that is why we are gruff. Perhaps the manager just said something hurtful to the Tim Horton's cashier before I came. I am pretty sure the RCMP woman found out that very morning that her father was dying of lung cancer. While the Superstore person has now worked 17 hours because their replacement did not show up and every second person is trying to get 27 items through the under 15 line.

Is that not every bit as likely as my original assumption that every person is out to get me for some reason?

Imagine if we could somehow this year resolve to have just enough self confidence to feel in our hearts that most people have their own problems too, and whatever they are saying or doing with us is filtered through their own emotions, pain, stress and even joy.

Imagine what the world would be like if we did not jump to conclusions; and if we stopped thinking that no one likes us. But rather lived our lives knowing that we were of value and could probably do something to help the other people feel better.

I guess I am sort of suggesting an emotional "pay it forward" scheme. The easy way to change the world in 2009 would be for us to actually start engaging one another "for real" and then maybe we could start seeing the others around us for who they are; as genuine people with their own problems and concerns.

Who knows, if I am right, all those other people, from Tim Horton's right through to the Superstore employees might just be nicer too if they take the time to think that the people they encounter have problems too.

Alas there seems to be so much that stands in the way of such a simple solution. Most of us carry over into adulthood some form of childhood trauma. This could be as little as being the last person picked for the baseball game; which I often was. We tend to remember the girl who rejected our offer of a dance at the school sock hop and let it scar us for life. Or we watch television, pick up fashion magazines, or start comparing ourselves to the people around us.

All of these activities which I categorize under the heading of being human force us to build walls around ourselves. These walls eventually make it hard to see the forest for the trees and we begin to misinterpret people and jump to conclusions. Not only that but if you are at all like me you find it hard to break out from within the protection of those walls and actually check the facts.

So there we go; we have a plan for the New Year and a resolution that could make the world of difference. Don't get me wrong, this is not going to be easy. As a friend recently pointed out I resolved last year to run a marathon this year. I have a long way to go if I hope to accomplish either.